Life Collision

The last year, the last week, the last month…all of it have been difficult. I set out on my baby-family journey at 30. After 5 months of trying to conceive, we were successful in January 2008. We dealt with doctors who sucked and scared the crap out of me, a pre term labor scare where I was told my daughter could have all kinds of things wrong with her, an induction, and a perfectly healthy almost 4 year old. I started the journey expecting the best. Who expects anything else? I was so taken aback by some of the events of pregnancy, but I knew from the first weeks/months of my daughter that I wanted more children. I never had a doubt that my husband and I were good parents to our daughter and we should have more children. For the next three years I was not interested in doing anything to have the additional children. I was just not ready, making the assumption that pregnancy could happen right away.  

It did not. It took 7 months to get a positive pregnancy test in Dec. 2011. Throughout relationship struggles I kept insisting that we have to keep trying. I knew that we would come together and that we had to keep at it to fulfill our dream of expanding our family. 

Seeing the positive pregnancy test was such an excitement. With my first I was so scared at what the future would hold, but the second time…I felt calm and relaxed and totally ready. My husband bought a stocking on clearance at the store since we figured by next Christmas we would need another one. 

Two days later I began spotting. I was assured how common it was. I also knew it could lead to miscarriage. Every day I hoped and hoped the bleeding would stop. I was aware of my pregnancy symptoms and kept the hope alive and began making plans. A co worker also announced her pregnancy. 10 days after the positive test, I miscarried. 

I went to the hospital. My parents came with me. I wrapped myself in a giant yellow sweatshirt and felt comforted with the hood and sheer size of it. I was reading something, but I don’t know what….

I lost something that day. I lost innocence and hope and trust. I started feeling a sadness that was beyond any of my break ups. I felt the loss. I lost faith in my body and started punishing it. I started working out 5-6 days a week. I wanted to use my body as a machine or something… maybe  I wanted to prove to myself that my body could do something I wanted it to. The only time I felt even or balanced was when I was exercising. I also wanted to move on, but knew I would not be moving on until I became pregnant again.

People say things….People say dumb and helpful and also hurtful things. Mostly everyone loves to tell me to relax. As long as I have been alive, I don’t really relax. I have goals, and I work towards them. Completing my family was and is a major goal and relaxing won’t really get me to where I want to be.

I decided that if I didn’t get pregnant in April that I would make an appt to see my dr. I was ready to persue why I wasn’t pregnant four months after my miscarriage when everyone assured me that my body wanted to be pregnant. 

Last weekend I suspected I was pregnant. By Wednesday of last week I was already miscarrying. By Thursday it was pretty evident that the pregnancy was over. 

I didn’t take time this time. I didn’t take off work and cry in my bed. I have been hanging out with friends every single day (except today). 

I cried briefly once. I felt moments while being surrounded by friends actually normal. 

But when I think about it…it is absolutely devastating, so much that I think I have disconnected or put a wall around my heart or something because the pain is too much. I never wanted this journey. I never expected this. 

i can’t even find the right words. This whole piece is void of what I am actually feeling. I am feeling lost and confused and scared and angry.

One just opened in a town nearby. It’s $185 a month. Yikes! I can’t do that right now. It’s $200 to take the 8 beginner classes. So like hundreds of dollars. Boo…Maybe in the future.

I am very interested to try this during the summer. Has anyone ever tried it? Any advice for a beginner?

I always want to run with people, but it is rare when I have someone who will run with me. Sometimes on the weekends I can get a friend or my brother, but its usually just me. My local running store hosts group runs twice a week. So on a whim I went last night. I was expecting a decent crowd, but there was only one other person. She was a high school senior. She lives in town and said she knew a good route and off we went. She was adorable. I felt like I was talking with someone in their twenties. We talked sports and our fitness goals. It was so great and we said we’d both come again next week. Here’s to making new friends of all ages!

It was definitely cooler than I was expecting last night. I was cold while waiting for the start in my short sleeve shirt and capri leggings. I was unsure of my fitness going into this race. I run about 3x a week. I haven’t run too many hills in the last few weeks either, but overall I am working out about 4-5x a week. 

That being said my brother asked how I’ve been feeling on my runs. I replied, “I’m ok” The gun went off and so did I. I just focused on moving. There were no clocks posted, no one announcing our times at splits, and I did not look at the course map ahead of time. I just ran. At one point I settled in with a guy and girl who had a nice pace. It was slightly faster than I had been going, but I also felt like I could hang. So I did. Until my right shoelace came untied. It’s so weird, in all my years of running, I’ve never had a shoe come untied. I love my Brooks, but this shoelace thing threw me. I lost my couple and tried to catch up.  I was happy to hear people say, “almost there” on the course so I kept it moving. Toward the end my husband and daughter had their hands out and I almost didn’t see them. I was just moving along. My time was 24:07.  I have not run that fast since 2007. Crazy, Crazy. A run with no watch, no timers, and no prior knowledge of the course and my best time was achieved.

There are so many many things this past week that have been stressful at work. We have state testing coming up and I don’t have a classroom since I mostly provide in class support, so we had to find a room, get materials, move tables, rearrange my schedule so that I still saw my students in other grades while I tested the 5th graders. Needless to say, I could continue on this rant for several pages, but who would want to read it? All the teachers are stressed and it’s not just me. The issue that I am having is finding the appropriate outlet. We do not have a contract so we have been working the clock, so I sometimes find my friends in the parking lot and go on a rant. 

I find that running is a good release, but since I have a race tomorrow I didn’t want to run again today. I had this feeling of wanting something gooey and sweet and sugary. I wanted some kind of comfort to ease into the weekend and try to leave my day and my week behind me. 

I want a smooth transition to the weekend where I can forget about the issues that have been arising. I ask myself WHY ARE YOU SO UPSET? 

I  hope my response resonates with some of you. I CARE. I care about doing my job well. I care about having everything in place in case we are monitored by the state during testing. I now have something called a SMID to track every student who tests with me as a way the state can come back to me to ask about a student’s test. I have to document if a student does not check their work, uses the bathroom a lot, or skips a page. I work with student who will be allowed to terminate a section if he becomes frustrated. 

Is my state department of education going to question me? I hope not, but it still makes me nervous.

I want to do well. I want to be seen as competent, I want to know the answers as far as what to do when a special education student has a meltdown over multiplication. But for some reason, sometimes I feel incompetent with what is thrown at me.  I am constantly adjusting, readjusting, forming relationships with regular education teachers, and other co workers. I try to appear as though I have it under control. Today I did not have it under control. Any tips?

My husband found out they would be playing for free outside of a local library. We were excited and he and a friend decided to go. I wanted to go also, but when I asked a friend she said she would come with her husband and 2 kids. I wasn’t thinking it would be great for kids, but that was just me thinking about when I used to see shows, (like back in 1993-1996) so I was skeptical about bringing my 3 year old. Turns out, most of the crowd was a mix of college kids, and people with young kids. There were more parents and babies than anyone else. My daughter and my friend’s son both wore headphones, but we were in the back so I am sure they would have been fine. 

My daughter was a dancing queen and loved having space to dance. My husband and his friend were up closer so I brought her through the crowd to see them so she could show them her dance. All in all, the show was short and sweet and perfect for kids. Here’s to hoping more free concerts outside happen!

I am obsessed with these right now. They are so good, but I should have made serving sizes, I am quickly making it through the bag.

http://yumnutsnaturals.com/chocolate.html

I am going to make an appointment with an acupuncturist. Has anyone ever been? 

I ate an entire big ass candy bar last night and tonight my family is making s’mores cookies as per my request. at least I worked out today :)