The colliding of worlds-motherhood, teaching, and maintaining my fitness level
I just checked it out and it seems really cute! Has anyone else ever used it?
The first quarter super bowl pool. Last year I won twice. I don’t watch the superbowl. I received some angry texts banning me from playing next year. I say thats the point, I play so I can win. I’ll play next year too.
I forgot to add get my tattoo to my bucket list.
I’m determined to not let infertility rule my life in 2013 so here’s my list of goals/fun things I’d like to do
1. mud run
2. triathlon (maybe…need a pool to join & funds are tight)
4. ski (more than 1x)
5. get that hot tub running (the one we’ve had for 9 years & finally put in our yard)
6. take horseback riding lessons
7. think about and consider a summer job where I could work & my daughter could get discounted classes
8. Promote/Advertise Chatty Addie and really ask for help when it’s hard for me
9. Make at least 2 new friends who like to be active or who are just really fun
10. embrace & learn from my failures
11. try things I don’t like
12. travel somewhere new
We have a bridge year for our 4 year old September birthday daughter. She is in pre-k with all the kids who are going to kindergarten next year. She is doing wonderfully academically with the readiness skills, but she struggles emotionally so I don’t want to send her to kindergarten even though she meets the cut off. I also don’t want her to go to the private kindergarten at her daycare and then re-do kindergarten in my town. One of the options we considered was Waldorf. My husband has been interested for years in Waldorf so we are considering it for a year. But it’s not the kind of program you really do for a year. If your philosophy and lifestyle have that belief system then your child’s education would match that. I’m torn…It’s not really my thoughts that a child does not begin to read until 7. I do love all the wooden toys, the idea of making cool stuff like your own bread and being creative and having that creative spirit nurtured. I think any child would love a school where they learned life skills and a strong sense of community. Do I send her for a year and find out she loves it so much then we can’t afford to send her for more years?
Oh decisions! If everyone buys the app and that helps us out we may be able to provide this type of schooling IF this is where she is thriving.
My resolution and lifetime change is to be a better parent. Like all the time. I want to completely adopt a new philosophy based on being positive. I have a four year old who is violent on a regular basis. We see a child psychologist who encourages us to “train” her by counting to 3 and giving her time outs. Some times it works, but she struggles with severe separation anxiety so she is at her worst when she is really scared and is in fight or flight mode.
So I try to comfort and reassure. The psychologist thinks that if we offer comfort each time she is crying, whining, or otherwise flipping out that it will increase her dependence on us and get worse. I am not certain about that. I don’t think closing an emotional person in a room when they are emotional is teaching them anything but to stuff their feelings. She’s almost 4.5 and she’s been like this since 2 so I don’t think her response to feeling scared is going to change.
Tonight she was done, extremely tired at 645. The attempt was to get her in bed right away, but if the rituals are not completed she has anxiety. When she’s feeling anxious she is in the bathroom between 5-10 times in an hour. The blankets are bumpy, the stuffed animals are missing, the lights are too dark, she is thirsty, etc.
So part of me says shut it down since she is tired, but the other side says she can’t relax until all her needs are met.
I feel like it’s a bottomless pit of desires when she is tired. I encouraged and comforted for over an hour. I allowed repeated trips to the bathroom, I straightened blankets, I hugged, and stayed positive. I said good night and she kept coming out of her room. So back in we positively went, more reassurance that she’ll be ok alone, etc.
That wasn’t enough because she still came out to use the bathroom. I finally said the bathroom was closed and did not allow the 11th use in an hour. She tantrummed more. I stayed positive. It’s 8:30. There was probably 10-15 crying fits in the last hour. I hugged and comforted all of them. I am exhausted. I truly hope I can do this. I believe in the long run she will feel secure enough to know I will be there for her and not stick her alone in her room when she is struggling. I am posting this as a reminder. I can be that positive parent. I hope her coping strategy of hitting, kicking, and spitting is diminished. Wish me luck!
Do I catch up on laundry, undecorate my tree, or eat chocolate and read on my kindle?
I am all over the place emotionally, I go from being super content, filled with joy and gratitude, and thoroughly enjoying my life to dread. To an overwhelming feeling of anticipatory stress of the new school year, of not being relaxed enough to enjoy round 2 of clomid, I get filled with the what-ifs. I was watching Teen Mom (and yes I referenced it before, I am like a super fan!) and they showed flashbacks of the girls giving birth and I started sobbing…thinking what if I never get to give birth again?! The thought is too too much for me, so I stop.
I flip and I flop. I have to remind myself my mantra…one baby, two babies, no babies, I HAVE to be ok. I can not live in sorrow, sadness, darkness, and pity. I’ll never make it and will be missing out on a life I have right now.
One failed round of clomid. The anxiety of doing it all over again is insane. 3 phone calls for a new prescription of clomid, 2 calls to the pharmacy, OMG-just fill it so I don’t have anxiety that I am going to somehow mess up my cycle.
The good news is clomid did exactly what it is supposed to do. It induced ovulation. I ovulated and released 3 mature eggs. I had progesterone levels of greater than 40. Everything looked great.
Then came the BFN.
I know. I am not a consistent blogger. I also started this as a way to interact with other teachers. I struggled with that for fear of being found out since I often had more to share then just cool ideas. Anyway, in the last six months my infertility has been the most challenging obstacle, or roller coaster I have ever faced. The anxiety that I feel regarding it is intense and scary. Today I was at an amusement park and I received a call from the fertility doctor that my genetic testing has come back and they need to discuss the results. So far, the results of my fertility testing has yielded Polycystic Ovarian Syndrom, I am low in folic acid, and now whatever the genetic testing reveals. So in one months time I have been shaken to my core. I have felt sadness in my life. True, deep, whole body sadness. I have been diagnosed in the past with Major Depressive disorder as well as Post traumatic stress.
I thought dealing with mental illness was the most challenging thing I’ve dealt with. Until infertility. I had NO idea that I had something wrong with me when I tried to expand my family. I never even thought there would be an issue.
I have been on the fast track about learning the hard way the different conditions that exist which make carrying a baby to term difficult.
So for awhile after my first miscarriage I isolated myself, focused on exercise to beat myself up, and remained hopeful. After my second miscarriage I continued with all my regular plans, stayed present in the moment, and found comfort in confiding my sadness and frustration with close friends.
Upon receiving blood testing at the fertility doctor I have found myself more open than I have ever been. I feel like I need people. I feel like I need a community to support me as I struggle emotionally. I am hopeful sometimes that the clomid and extra estrogen, and extra folic acid, and the metformin will all help me conceive and carry it to term.
I am also so nervous/anxious that even with the clomid that I will miscarry. I am afraid of being intimate with my husband for a fear of accidentally becoming pregnant when I am not taking clomid and miscarrying.
I am afraid of feeling the hurt, sadness, and broken heart that is ever so present in my life. I don’t want to live like this. I have this strong desire to be a mom to a second. Every phone call from the dr. dashes that hope. It makes me question over and over again why I want another.
All I can say is I just do. I want a sibling for my daughter, my family sometimes feels incomplete to me. I never intended to be a mother of one.
I don’t want to face what’s coming, I don’t WANT to accept the truth of my genetic testing, I don’t WANT to hurt anymore. I wanted the babies that were conceived. I really really did.
Infertility has taught me that some things are harder than I ever imagined. It has taught me to be open, honest and up front about my struggles. It has taught me that I must keep on living, somehow, because I am someone’s mom and I want to be someone she is proud of someday.