Life Collision

Storybird

Tue, 05 Feb 2013 20:23:09 -0500

I just checked it out and it seems really cute! Has anyone else ever used it?

I won

Sun, 03 Feb 2013 21:22:28 -0500

The first quarter super bowl pool. Last year I won twice. I don’t watch the superbowl. I received some angry texts banning me from playing next year. I say thats the point, I play so I can win. I’ll play next year too.

I forgot to add get my tattoo to my bucket list.

Wed, 23 Jan 2013 21:16:59 -0500

I forgot to add get my tattoo to my bucket list.

2013 Bucket List

Sun, 13 Jan 2013 20:02:21 -0500

I’m determined to not let infertility rule my life in 2013 so here’s my list of goals/fun things I’d like to do

1. mud run

2. triathlon (maybe…need a pool to join & funds are tight)

3. yoga

4. ski (more than 1x)

5. get that hot tub running (the one we’ve had for 9 years & finally put in our yard)

6. take horseback riding lessons

7. think about and consider a summer job where I could work & my daughter could get discounted classes

8. Promote/Advertise Chatty Addie and really ask for help when it’s hard for me

9. Make at least 2 new friends who like to be active or who are just really fun

10. embrace & learn from my failures

11. try things I don’t like

12. travel somewhere new

Visit to our local Waldorf School

Sat, 12 Jan 2013 15:15:27 -0500

We have a bridge year for our 4 year old September birthday daughter. She is in pre-k with all the kids who are going to kindergarten next year. She is doing wonderfully academically with the readiness skills, but she struggles emotionally so I don’t want to send her to kindergarten even though she meets the cut off. I also don’t want her to go to the private kindergarten at her daycare and then re-do kindergarten in my town. One of the options we considered was Waldorf. My husband has been interested for years in Waldorf so we are considering it for a year. But it’s not the kind of program you really do for a year. If your philosophy and lifestyle have that belief system then your child’s education would match that. I’m torn…It’s not really my thoughts that a child does not begin to read until 7. I do love all the wooden toys, the idea of making cool stuff like your own bread and being creative and having that creative spirit nurtured. I think any child would love a school where they learned life skills and a strong sense of community. Do I send her for a year and find out she loves it so much then we can’t afford to send her for more years?

Oh decisions! If everyone buys the app and that helps us out we may be able to provide this type of schooling IF this is where she is thriving.

Positive Parenting in the New Year

Tue, 08 Jan 2013 20:37:39 -0500

My resolution and lifetime change is to be a better parent. Like all the time. I want to completely adopt a new philosophy based on being positive. I have a four year old who is violent on a regular basis. We see a child psychologist who encourages us to “train” her by counting to 3 and giving her time outs. Some times it works, but she struggles with severe separation anxiety so she is at her worst when she is really scared and is in fight or flight mode.

So I try to comfort and reassure. The psychologist thinks that if we offer comfort each time she is crying, whining, or otherwise flipping out that it will increase her dependence on us and get worse. I am not certain about that. I don’t think closing an emotional person in a room when they are emotional is teaching them anything but to stuff their feelings. She’s almost 4.5 and she’s been like this since 2 so I don’t think her response to feeling scared is going to change.

Tonight she was done, extremely tired at 645. The attempt was to get her in bed right away, but if the rituals are not completed she has anxiety. When she’s feeling anxious she is in the bathroom between 5-10 times in an hour. The blankets are bumpy, the stuffed animals are missing, the lights are too dark, she is thirsty, etc.

So part of me says shut it down since she is tired, but the other side says she can’t relax until all her needs are met.

I feel like it’s a bottomless pit of desires when she is tired. I encouraged and comforted for over an hour. I allowed repeated trips to the bathroom, I straightened blankets, I hugged, and stayed positive. I said good night and she kept coming out of her room. So back in we positively went, more reassurance that she’ll be ok alone, etc.

That wasn’t enough because she still came out to use the bathroom. I finally said the bathroom was closed and did not allow the 11th use in an hour. She tantrummed more. I stayed positive. It’s 8:30. There was probably 10-15 crying fits in the last hour. I hugged and comforted all of them. I am exhausted. I truly hope I can do this. I believe in the long run she will feel secure enough to know I will be there for her and not stick her alone in her room when she is struggling. I am posting this as a reminder. I can be that positive parent. I hope her coping strategy of hitting, kicking, and spitting is diminished. Wish me luck!

decisions

Sat, 29 Dec 2012 13:15:36 -0500

Do I catch up on laundry, undecorate my tree, or eat chocolate and read on my kindle?

Mixed emotions

Fri, 31 Aug 2012 20:07:41 -0400

I am all over the place emotionally, I go from being super content, filled with joy and gratitude, and thoroughly enjoying my life to dread. To an overwhelming feeling of anticipatory stress of the new school year, of not being relaxed enough to enjoy round 2 of clomid, I get filled with the what-ifs. I was watching Teen Mom (and yes I referenced it before, I am like a super fan!) and they showed flashbacks of the girls giving birth and I started sobbing…thinking what if I never get to give birth again?! The thought is too too much for me, so I stop.

I flip and I flop. I have to remind myself my mantra…one baby, two babies, no babies, I HAVE to be ok. I can not live in sorrow, sadness, darkness, and pity. I’ll never make it and will be missing out on a life I have right now.

Clomid round 2

Wed, 29 Aug 2012 13:58:05 -0400

One failed round of clomid. The anxiety of doing it all over again is insane. 3 phone calls for a new prescription of clomid, 2 calls to the pharmacy, OMG-just fill it so I don’t have anxiety that I am going to somehow mess up my cycle.

The good news is clomid did exactly what it is supposed to do. It induced ovulation. I ovulated and released 3 mature eggs. I had progesterone levels of greater than 40. Everything looked great.

Then came the BFN.

What infertility has taught me

Wed, 25 Jul 2012 20:34:59 -0400

I know. I am not a consistent blogger. I also started this as a way to interact with other teachers. I struggled with that for fear of being found out since I often had more to share then just cool ideas. Anyway, in the last six months my infertility has been the most challenging obstacle, or roller coaster I have ever faced. The anxiety that I feel regarding it is intense and scary. Today I was at an amusement park and I received a call from the fertility doctor that my genetic testing has come back and they need to discuss the results. So far, the results of my fertility testing has yielded Polycystic Ovarian Syndrom, I am low in folic acid, and now whatever the genetic testing reveals. So in one months time I have been shaken to my core. I have felt sadness in my life. True, deep, whole body sadness. I have been diagnosed in the past with Major Depressive disorder as well as Post traumatic stress.

I thought dealing with mental illness was the most challenging thing I’ve dealt with. Until infertility. I had NO idea that I had something wrong with me when I tried to expand my family. I never even thought there would be an issue.

I have been on the fast track about learning the hard way the different conditions that exist which make carrying a baby to term difficult.

So for awhile after my first miscarriage I isolated myself, focused on exercise to beat myself up, and remained hopeful. After my second miscarriage I continued with all my regular plans, stayed present in the moment, and found comfort in confiding my sadness and frustration with close friends.

Upon receiving blood testing at the fertility doctor I have found myself more open than I have ever been. I feel like I need people. I feel like I need a community to support me as I struggle emotionally. I am hopeful sometimes that the clomid and extra estrogen, and extra folic acid, and the metformin will all help me conceive and carry it to term.

I am also so nervous/anxious that even with the clomid that I will miscarry. I am afraid of being intimate with my husband for a fear of accidentally becoming pregnant when I am not taking clomid and miscarrying.

I am afraid of feeling the hurt, sadness, and broken heart that is ever so present in my life. I don’t want to live like this. I have this strong desire to be a mom to a second. Every phone call from the dr. dashes that hope. It makes me question over and over again why I want another.

All I can say is I just do. I want a sibling for my daughter, my family sometimes feels incomplete to me. I never intended to be a mother of one.

I don’t want to face what’s coming, I don’t WANT to accept the truth of my genetic testing, I don’t WANT to hurt anymore. I wanted the babies that were conceived. I really really did.

Infertility has taught me that some things are harder than I ever imagined. It has taught me to be open, honest and up front about my struggles. It has taught me that I must keep on living, somehow, because I am someone’s mom and I want to be someone she is proud of someday.

wish list

Sat, 09 Jun 2012 18:36:22 -0400

kayak, and now a road bike. If I like stand up paddle boarding, then a board too.

How I feel (most personal post I've written)

Mon, 21 May 2012 22:02:00 -0400

The last year, the last week, the last month…all of it have been difficult. I set out on my baby-family journey at 30. After 5 months of trying to conceive, we were successful in January 2008. We dealt with doctors who sucked and scared the crap out of me, a pre term labor scare where I was told my daughter could have all kinds of things wrong with her, an induction, and a perfectly healthy almost 4 year old. I started the journey expecting the best. Who expects anything else? I was so taken aback by some of the events of pregnancy, but I knew from the first weeks/months of my daughter that I wanted more children. I never had a doubt that my husband and I were good parents to our daughter and we should have more children. For the next three years I was not interested in doing anything to have the additional children. I was just not ready, making the assumption that pregnancy could happen right away.

It did not. It took 7 months to get a positive pregnancy test in Dec. 2011. Throughout relationship struggles I kept insisting that we have to keep trying. I knew that we would come together and that we had to keep at it to fulfill our dream of expanding our family.

Seeing the positive pregnancy test was such an excitement. With my first I was so scared at what the future would hold, but the second time…I felt calm and relaxed and totally ready. My husband bought a stocking on clearance at the store since we figured by next Christmas we would need another one.

Two days later I began spotting. I was assured how common it was. I also knew it could lead to miscarriage. Every day I hoped and hoped the bleeding would stop. I was aware of my pregnancy symptoms and kept the hope alive and began making plans. A co worker also announced her pregnancy. 10 days after the positive test, I miscarried.

I went to the hospital. My parents came with me. I wrapped myself in a giant yellow sweatshirt and felt comforted with the hood and sheer size of it. I was reading something, but I don’t know what….

I lost something that day. I lost innocence and hope and trust. I started feeling a sadness that was beyond any of my break ups. I felt the loss. I lost faith in my body and started punishing it. I started working out 5-6 days a week. I wanted to use my body as a machine or something… maybe I wanted to prove to myself that my body could do something I wanted it to. The only time I felt even or balanced was when I was exercising. I also wanted to move on, but knew I would not be moving on until I became pregnant again.

People say things….People say dumb and helpful and also hurtful things. Mostly everyone loves to tell me to relax. As long as I have been alive, I don’t really relax. I have goals, and I work towards them. Completing my family was and is a major goal and relaxing won’t really get me to where I want to be.

I decided that if I didn’t get pregnant in April that I would make an appt to see my dr. I was ready to persue why I wasn’t pregnant four months after my miscarriage when everyone assured me that my body wanted to be pregnant.

Last weekend I suspected I was pregnant. By Wednesday of last week I was already miscarrying. By Thursday it was pretty evident that the pregnancy was over.

I didn’t take time this time. I didn’t take off work and cry in my bed. I have been hanging out with friends every single day (except today).

I cried briefly once. I felt moments while being surrounded by friends actually normal.

But when I think about it…it is absolutely devastating, so much that I think I have disconnected or put a wall around my heart or something because the pain is too much. I never wanted this journey. I never expected this.

i can’t even find the right words. This whole piece is void of what I am actually feeling. I am feeling lost and confused and scared and angry.

I want to do cross fit!!!

Wed, 09 May 2012 17:35:27 -0400

One just opened in a town nearby. It’s $185 a month. Yikes! I can’t do that right now. It’s $200 to take the 8 beginner classes. So like hundreds of dollars. Boo…Maybe in the future.

Stand Up Paddle Boarding

Sat, 05 May 2012 14:21:06 -0400

I am very interested to try this during the summer. Has anyone ever tried it? Any advice for a beginner?

Running Partners

Tue, 01 May 2012 17:39:09 -0400

I always want to run with people, but it is rare when I have someone who will run with me. Sometimes on the weekends I can get a friend or my brother, but its usually just me. My local running store hosts group runs twice a week. So on a whim I went last night. I was expecting a decent crowd, but there was only one other person. She was a high school senior. She lives in town and said she knew a good route and off we went. She was adorable. I felt like I was talking with someone in their twenties. We talked sports and our fitness goals. It was so great and we said we’d both come again next week. Here’s to making new friends of all ages!

5k last night

Sun, 29 Apr 2012 13:35:00 -0400

It was definitely cooler than I was expecting last night. I was cold while waiting for the start in my short sleeve shirt and capri leggings. I was unsure of my fitness going into this race. I run about 3x a week. I haven’t run too many hills in the last few weeks either, but overall I am working out about 4-5x a week.

That being said my brother asked how I’ve been feeling on my runs. I replied, “I’m ok” The gun went off and so did I. I just focused on moving. There were no clocks posted, no one announcing our times at splits, and I did not look at the course map ahead of time. I just ran. At one point I settled in with a guy and girl who had a nice pace. It was slightly faster than I had been going, but I also felt like I could hang. So I did. Until my right shoelace came untied. It’s so weird, in all my years of running, I’ve never had a shoe come untied. I love my Brooks, but this shoelace thing threw me. I lost my couple and tried to catch up. I was happy to hear people say, “almost there” on the course so I kept it moving. Toward the end my husband and daughter had their hands out and I almost didn’t see them. I was just moving along. My time was 24:07. I have not run that fast since 2007. Crazy, Crazy. A run with no watch, no timers, and no prior knowledge of the course and my best time was achieved.

Stress and Teaching

Fri, 27 Apr 2012 18:36:56 -0400

There are so many many things this past week that have been stressful at work. We have state testing coming up and I don’t have a classroom since I mostly provide in class support, so we had to find a room, get materials, move tables, rearrange my schedule so that I still saw my students in other grades while I tested the 5th graders. Needless to say, I could continue on this rant for several pages, but who would want to read it? All the teachers are stressed and it’s not just me. The issue that I am having is finding the appropriate outlet. We do not have a contract so we have been working the clock, so I sometimes find my friends in the parking lot and go on a rant.

I find that running is a good release, but since I have a race tomorrow I didn’t want to run again today. I had this feeling of wanting something gooey and sweet and sugary. I wanted some kind of comfort to ease into the weekend and try to leave my day and my week behind me.

I want a smooth transition to the weekend where I can forget about the issues that have been arising. I ask myself WHY ARE YOU SO UPSET?

I hope my response resonates with some of you. I CARE. I care about doing my job well. I care about having everything in place in case we are monitored by the state during testing. I now have something called a SMID to track every student who tests with me as a way the state can come back to me to ask about a student’s test. I have to document if a student does not check their work, uses the bathroom a lot, or skips a page. I work with student who will be allowed to terminate a section if he becomes frustrated.

Is my state department of education going to question me? I hope not, but it still makes me nervous.

I want to do well. I want to be seen as competent, I want to know the answers as far as what to do when a special education student has a meltdown over multiplication. But for some reason, sometimes I feel incompetent with what is thrown at me. I am constantly adjusting, readjusting, forming relationships with regular education teachers, and other co workers. I try to appear as though I have it under control. Today I did not have it under control. Any tips?

They Might be Giants

Sun, 22 Apr 2012 19:27:12 -0400

My husband found out they would be playing for free outside of a local library. We were excited and he and a friend decided to go. I wanted to go also, but when I asked a friend she said she would come with her husband and 2 kids. I wasn’t thinking it would be great for kids, but that was just me thinking about when I used to see shows, (like back in 1993-1996) so I was skeptical about bringing my 3 year old. Turns out, most of the crowd was a mix of college kids, and people with young kids. There were more parents and babies than anyone else. My daughter and my friend’s son both wore headphones, but we were in the back so I am sure they would have been fine.

My daughter was a dancing queen and loved having space to dance. My husband and his friend were up closer so I brought her through the crowd to see them so she could show them her dance. All in all, the show was short and sweet and perfect for kids. Here’s to hoping more free concerts outside happen!

Awesome snack!

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 22:58:45 -0400

I am obsessed with these right now. They are so good, but I should have made serving sizes, I am quickly making it through the bag.

http://yumnutsnaturals.com/chocolate.html

the journey continues

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 19:23:00 -0400

I am going to make an appointment with an acupuncturist. Has anyone ever been?